Clinging for home

If my parents are reading this , I will be very transparent with them. I have already booked my ticket for home but last week , I did not have the urge and mood to go home despite I have a seat for my home coming. But now, I am looking forward to my homecoming. 20 days more and in due time it will be ‘ the day’. I am going to miss my pillow and my quilt. I want my parents hug, for it will cure me from the 8 hours flight. Just the hug is my only assurance that they are happy with me and I am still their little rascal girl. Planning my schedule on what to do when I go back home. I hope to learn cooking. I got to push myself. Doing something that you don’t like might just be your liking. I want to test my father’s eye vision. I want to make sure , he can see me for I want him to see me clearly just as how I see him clearly. Something that I don’t want to happen to me is to loose weight. I always have the tendency to loose weight when I am back home. It was the same thing for I gain weight when I was in Japan and I lost weight when I came back. It better not be this time for I put endless effort in gaining my weight. Don’t do this to me. As soon as my luggage is in the car, driving is the first thing that I want to do. They will definitely drive Automatic for my mum does not drive manual except my father and myself. Girls with brains drive manual and auto cars. I like manual cars because it makes my reflects synchronize together with my brain. It teaches me to anticipate in everything. Auto cars to me are for handicap people where driving will make their life easier. Play with my Sesame Street cartoon character -Elmo and Cookie Monster, lie down and sleep on my chiropractic mattress, take a walk along the pebble for reflexology and other stuff. Sleep with my father on one day and with my mum the other day. Though I am 22, at times I do sleep with my parents. I just want to revive back the memories we had when I was small ( like a dwaft). Of course I will be on the mattress, while they will be on the bed, the morning kiss from my father that always wake me up with a smile. Sending and fetching my parents to work. Decorating the Christmas tree together..

Wherever I go, the place that is providing me with a shelther is a house but what makes it a home is that my parents are in my heart. My parents are never stationary although they are based permanently in Malaysia but as long as I am living overseas, their spirit travels with me everywhere I go. I don’t see but I know and I feel.

* Listening to Home by Michael Buble.

And I miss you

Today is exactly my maternal grandfather passed away 5 months. It was so random that I actually remembered the date 29. I decided to call home to let my grandma know that I am with her together in this moment of loneliness. Today my grandfather passed away 5 months and my grandma still misses him much. On the contray, I miss him dearly for there is not a single day that I don’t think about him regardless I am busy or not. I wish I could have a dream of his face or a conversation with him in my dreams. I thought my grandmother is coping well, started cooking and etc. But she is not into her daily chores. I totally understand why she isn’t cooking for cooking will remind her about him and etc. Her love towards my grandfather is deeply. Infinity words to describe her affection for him. If I was to be her position I do not know how well will I fare ? She is slowly becoming forgetful. I do not know why for is she lonely or signs of aging. As I hear her voice over the phone, my deepest sympathy goes to her. I can’t do much for I am in Sydney. I told her if the distance from Australia to Malaysia is 2 hours by flight, I might come back regularly to be at her side. It is during these time, that I want to be at her side. At times, I want to hug her, linger with her in the kitchen, drive her to the market while she does her chores, talking to her about the good old times when she nursed me while my parents are working, cooking my favourite food, shreading the chicken meat for the dog’s meal. Seeing my grandmother sleeping. I have 21 more day to my homecoming but after hearing all these news, I felt that I want to come home earlier. I know my grandfather passed away but his affection towards me is carrying me all of my days. I know he is gone but at times, I do feel the loneliness when I want express to him all the joy that I had (have) in Sydney. Before I came to Sydney, He was telling me so much about Australia. He could not visit the Sydney Opera House as it was under construction. Everytime when I come to visit him, he tells me about Australia. When I am in Australia, I called him regularly to check upon his dialysis, drinking water level, eating diet, mood and etc. I am glad that during those call, I managed to tell him about Sydney. Something that I really regret of not doing was I did not do Video Call with him when I was at the Opera House and Habour Bridge. There was one time (in Malaysia), I caught my grandfather asking my grandmother about me whether have I gone back home to or have I left for Sydney. At times my grandmother will reply to him that I am still in bed and he will be happy. That was where I realized my grandfathers love me much. Since the day I was born until 2006. I will get new clothes for the Lunar New Year. He always insists not on purchasing sale item. He is not fond of sale items much. Until now, I still keep ” my little girly dresses, the Amsterdam bag (“, the panda bear, the bunnies, Time Megazine, Stone engraving bangle from China, my black Levis jeans, my Swatch, a red packet of a certain amount of money (these are the last two presents that I received from him), he paid my flight ticket to Japan when I was a Student Exchange representing Lions Club Kuala Lumpur to Japan, my family picture with him and my grandma, the luxurious dinner at hotels to commederate celebrations, the poem Don’t Quit and etc. From all these much that he gave to me out of love and gratefulness, I bought him the Complete Works of Williams Shakespeare. It did not bother me whether did he read but I know he accepted it. That was my first but it will never be my last gift to him. I want him to know that every thought of him in my mind is my gift to him.

Gloomy Sunday.

Today is one of those lazy days that I am in. I don’t feel lazy but there is just something wrong with me. Because I am going to see sunrise today, I slept early yesterday night and Jake woke me up. As I was on the bus with him, I felt there is something wrong with me. My head was heavy, I felt tired, having headache which slowly became migraine. (It is horrible), no appetite to eat good food but only chewing WheatBix at this moment. My body feels cold. I don’t want to wear a jacket because I am doing my assignment and etc, feel that my brain is not synchronizing with my body, As we were walking towards the cliff. I really felt funny but I pressed on. When we reached to highest point, the pain was unbearable. I did not want to tell Jake to go home for we just reach and besides when he woke me up, he said it is okay if I want to continue sleeping but I said no. As Jake was taking the hammer to carve  my name and his, He asked me if  it is nice. Actually the carve is deep but it will last forever knowing that I may one day fade away. But I could not say it with a happy expression as my migraine and headache was tormenting me inside. I was in pain inside but still holding on outside. He was done carving my name so he continued his. When he had another 3 more alphabet to finish, I told him that I needed to go home for I can no longer stand it. We walked to the bus stop and waited for a bus. While waiting for the bus, I swallowed 2 tablets of Paracetamol. At last, the bus came. The bus ride from Bondi to City is about 20 minutes but at that moment, I felt it was an eternity ride to my comfy bed, quilt and pillow. I fall into a deep sleep at Woolharra suburb to the city. Jake woke me up and I was, okay we are now in the city. At time, I feel like nauseating. When we were walking pass George Street, I could easily throw up because of a weird smell. Once we crossed passed George Street, we were suppose to walk towards Liverpool Street but as I was saying my brain could not synchronize with my reflex that I was walking pass Skyview Shopping Center that lead me to Kent Street and then Liverpool Street. If after crossing George Street, it is Liverpool Street. Jake told me off. I knew I made him mad. I listen and moved on. Once the unit door was unlocked, I wished him goodnight and I doze off. I woke up feeling better but after 20 minutes, some of the migraine is in my head and I swallowed a single migraine tablet – Imigran. I just feel cloudy, ghostly, wishy washy and lack of energy level within me. If only I could clone myself. I do not know whether was it the cheese on top of the pasta that is causing me to be this way. My mum has migraine but she is very sensitive to cheese. As to my knowing, I am not that very sensitive to cheese. I love eating cheese cake but was it because i exceeded my dosage. I do not know eating cheese at what level is triggering my migraine. Having migraine is like going to hell. Infinity words to describe it.I just feel like a jerk today. Don’t feel like doing anything but keep listening to Coldplay repeatedly.  Failed to seize the day.

Czech day

Today was a Czech day for me. I did not sleep on Friday at all. I slept on Saturday morning but after breakfast. I had a really good breakfast. It was a Traditional Czech Breakfast. We went to an European grocer which was suppose to be selling Czech groceries but instead selling more German, Holland and other European Country groceries. I am glad that I went there. I was so curious. I was literally inspecting most of the items. Looking from the aspect of what is it, where is made from, the price, expiry date. Due to the fact that I had no European blood within me, I find some of the goods there reasonable without converting it to Malaysian Ringgit. I told Jake that it is not that expensive but he said it is very expensive if to compare it with Czech. Before coming to this European grocer, Jake said so much about the Czech bread especially the 2 sides of the bread loaf, (taste really good if it is baked and eaten hot fresh from the oven. And he also commented on the sausage. I must say it is one of the best sausages I have ever eaten, Most of the sausages that is commonly know is usually plastic that wraps the sausage meat together. But this was not plastic. It was Ileum. The sausage was so tender and moist. I guess I am making you hungry. I am always tempting you so you better have self – control. I had 3 long sausages measuring about 25 cm each and 3 slices of toasted Czech bread.After that we were thinking to go to Bondi Junction for there lies a Czech Baker. We did not go because the both of us did not have sleep and Jake does not want to fall sleep in a 2o minutes bus ride.We decide to go there the next time when we we watch sunrise. Because I was so taken in with the Czech meal. I was googling google to see if there is a Czech grocer or Czech restaurant in Kuala Lumpur. Unfortunately there isn’t. What was worse, I did not take the picture of my breakfast as a remembrance. Ahh. . sigh . .!

I don’t know what took Jake to make today a Czech day by eating Czech food. Yesterday night he said he wanted to cook pasta for today’s dinner. I was relatively shock. The previous time, he cooked chicken or bacon with it but yesterday he said he wanted to put sausages and that was what made me eating Czech breakfast and Czech meal for today. As I was browsing all the international food directories in Kuala Lumpur. My nearest option for eating something similar to Czech food is Austrian Food. Czech and Austria and close from the world map. Today is my second time eating European meal. It is so good. Now I am thinking that the breakfast that eat would be good if there was a fried egg. I love eating fried egg. And that was breakfast.

My Czech lunch was so simple. Hardy any oil, carb and lots or fiber and drown with yogurt and chocolate powder. It was one of the healthiest meal for a health cautious people like me. It all started by me wanting to eat yogurt and I asked him if he would like to eat some. I don’ mind if he wants and then he came out with the spontaneous idea fo lunch. It was a bowl of yogurt with cut peaches inside and broken fiber biscuit. It takes less then 10 minutes to do it but it is healthy. I kept the balance of it for my tea. I realize European food as a whole is not that only and that is also another reason why I love Europe !

My Czech dinner could not be classify as Czech. It happen to be Czech because the person who did it is a Czech. It taste good. The pasta is called ‘Spaghetti Ala Jakub’ . It taste good. Normally people would definetely eat it with fork and spoon. In my ultimate lameness, I ate it with chopstick. Jake was ‘ No way’ and I was ‘ Yeah, I am going to do it’. Indeed I did it but I did not find it that difficult. Partly I am an Asian who has been using chopstick for about 20 years and still counting. Because he cooked, I did the dishes. It did not take me long.

As a whole, I think I seize the day well and it was good food. I still do not have the pictures of what I am eating as remembrance.

Brother ?

If only I had a brother. Older brother. Will tell him all my frustration, weird things about guys. Shop for him clothes. I like shopping for guys clothes. Go shopping with him, walk with him talking about the olden days when we were both fighting. What kind of wive, future and etc he wants. He advising me on guys. Will be telling each other all the weird things that the opposite sex do and feel. How funny. Being accountability to him. Telling him that I am coming back home late. Calling me when I am not back yet. Waiting for my brother after class or work. Lying down on the bed with him lisening to U2, Oasis and etc.Taking care of each other when we fall sick. Making the house messy when Mum and Dad is not at home, going travelling together, driving each other around, teaching each other in any subject. If you have a sibling. You will be like so what ! But for me these are precious moment that I would like to have with my elder brother. At times, I envy my cousin for she has an older brother who loves her much. At times I would like to be in her shoe. The question is will I ever ? Parents are definately there for me but having a brother is something that I cannot explain. I would like to know how it feels like to share stuff with him. Sleeping with my brother, (I don’t think there is anything wrong sleeping with my own brother). My parents once asked me If I would like to have a brother. I answered rudely ‘NO’. Maybe I was naive and I want everything that my parents has to be given to me. At this moment, having a brother is way better then whatever property my parents are leaving them behind. Posessions, assets is something I can earn but can I ever earn to have a brother ? To me , not even my close guy friend or a boyfriend can replace the place of my brother. Maybe.. it is possible and Maybe not too. I will make sure that I will my child will have either a brother or a sister for I do not want them to follow my foot steps. I miss you , Brother

Wee’s funny

These days, I have friends telling me that I am funny. At times I will retaliate and say so now,’ Who is funny ?’. Sometimes to come to think about it I am funny. I can just laugh at myself when no one is laughing and nothing funny to laugh at. I think funniness is my uniqueness. It is something that I should and will embrace. Being funny is not a negative. My funniness can brighten someone’s day or in any other way. I don’t recall me being funny back home. I became funny when I step in Australian soil. I don’t know what is changing. Even my cousin is noticing it though we are far away .If she can tell via msn then what else my parents and friends will think when I am back home It is going to be funny.  I can be funny and lame at times. Today in class I was just on roll ..as (funny as I can be ) and I was making everyone surrounding me a night mare. At what is worse, I was laughing to myself and everyone was like . .  What is wrong with you. My close friend Ji Min was . . are you okay. I know I am okay by heart but people will perceive me that I am insane. I guess my funniness is making me calm, relax and living each day and worrying that day only. I do not know what I started to be funny but I do not wish to let go my funniness if it is making someone happy.

Right & wrong side of the bed

Half of the day, I felt that I was waking up on the right side of the bed. It was a perfect day to sleep with a cooling sensation. Above all the temptings, I had to wake up as I have an early class. As I was walking on the streets, drizzle came making me wanting to drown myself to sleep. I went back home to change and shield me from the wind and the rain. As I step in my unit, I see the comfort of home. It was so tempting. Jake had an early class but he delayed it too. I was thinking of whether to go for class or second lunch. I called Ji Min and she said she is not going. Then all of a sudden Jake said ‘ Don’t Quit’. I felt my maternal grandfather was beside me for he always encourage me not to Quit. I ain’t a quitter. I was not born to be a quitter. The day went good until I came back home doing my assignment and I fell sleep. I am typing this post which I am sober, restless. I have assignment due tomorrow and here I am writting my blog instead of doing my assignments. I am even lazy to take a shower. I know that I am this moment, I am a lazy ass.

Horid yesterday

Yesterday, it was real tiring day for me. At times, I really want to go back home and get a hug from my loving parents but I have to wait one more month for that. I felt so lost. I was standing and waiting for a train in Newtown Station. I felt like a lost child. It was not cold but blowing cold wind. No one at the station to accompany me, the hunger pangs in my stomach keep grumbling to me of wanting me to feed her (No lunch and dinner). I don’t even have a water to quench my thirst, don’t have a jacket to shield me from the cold wind. Many train came and many train passed me by. I was grumbling and please make a train and take me to town hall. Can you imagine my situation.

Finally a train came. Again I was alone in the train, Luckily my iPod had battery in it (still). During that ride, I was dating my iPod. Finally I town hall station is here. When I was in the train, I was thinking what to have for dinner. I was thinking of eating chicken chippies and head to Chinatown. Unfortunately, there is no more chicken chippies in Woolworth groceries. Now I am point blank and clueless – like a stray cat . I had some options which is to partake Subway, Hungry Jacks or a Korea. I decided to eat korean. It played me out just as Subway for the kitchen was close. Next, nearest to the place that I am willing to walk was to go to Hungry Jacks. Just when I was hungry, the queue was long. I guess everybody there was equally hungry as I am. I crossed the street and went to the opposite Hungry Jacks and found it close.  Damn ! . At last, I went to the first hungry jacks that I went and I obeyed to the queue. I came back home eating it but it is not appetizing. I ate the chicken burger, and lettuce and I trash the rest. My senses was not thinking logically. I drank hot chocolate and 1 bite of fiber biscuit. In about 30 minutes, I feel asleep. Thanks to my comfy pillow.  The pillow was my antidote to a comfortable sleep. Z z z . .

Coffee that suits

Have you paid so much and know that the coffee doesn’t suit your taste. That is exactly how I feel when I order a drink in Starbucks, Gloria Jeans, Coffee Bean and etc. I don’t have this problem with hot chocolate. After a long attempt, I finally found the perfect coffee to my taste bud regardless it is hot or cold. Every morning, I know there is a coffee in the fridge waiting for me. I don’t have to do  but it is waiting for me. It is very good especially when I am in rush. The coffee is not even 3 dollars. Maybe it is lesser than that. I am addicted to the coffee. I must have it every morning. Indeed he brews coffee.

iThanks

Now is October and in another 2 more months the year 2007 shall be coming to an end. I had a very rough 2006. I would would not like to remember it. I gave myself, my parents and the people around me a hard time. I guess this year for me is like what the English Idioms say – Behind every cloud there is a silver lining. I had many doubts and uncertainity about this Sydney living. Many friends, relatives were questioning my confidence on whether will I make it or will it be a failure. On the same hand , I was also referring that question to myself for I do not want to come back home without finishing my studies. I do not want to be the Lost daughter or bringing disgrace to my family and the family name that is stamp of my identity. Living overseas is not an easy thing to juggle. Just like to make a clap, it takes 2 hands. The same principle lies here. If want to study overseas, I need to make sure that my parents has the finances to cover me and I must produce result. Studying overseas are just like Nescafe and Coffeemate. They are inseperable or complimentary goods ( economic terminology). I am glad that I am producing results and my parents are happy with it.Other then people questioning my doubts, people were also puzzled at my parents or how can they allow their daughter to go overseas which their take home pay. Something that I know about my parents is that they will make a way when there seems to be no way at all. Isn’t that what parenting skill is made of ? Would you agree with me. My paternal grandmother will be or may be she is already because most of her grandchildren are overseas graduate and living abroad. I do not know what she did that she deserved this kind of blessing. If only my paternal grandfather is still around. My maternal grandfather knows I will make it.. Before he took his last breath away, my parents showed him my academic transcript. I was a late bloomer comparing to the rest of my cousins.

In life, it does not really matter whether you are a late or young bloomer during the young days but what matters is how you face your teenage years that will determine the steps of life.  I would like and I cannot wait this year to come to an end. I have been experiencing many wonderful and splendid things. I really cherish each moment. As I read the email (s) from my parents on how they are doing. I feel equally happy for them. Catching up with my cousins via online chatting also brings me great pleasure that they are progressing. I do not want to see myself, my cousins and my parents generation to be stagnant or counter productive. I love them as my own and how they love as theirs. My mother is my biological mum but my aunty’s are also playing and shaping me as though I am their. But above all Mr and Mrs Jerry Wee is and always will be my Main. Sometimes in order for my family to see me grow the have to send me away not saying that do not love me. I guess they are happy with my progress and how I face up to life and challenges. I asked my father what made him to send me to Australia. He replied that he had the vision or may be wanted to send me in 1999 (when I was in my Junior Senior school) but it was differed because I was irresponsible, not mature and etc. I thought I will never have the chance to study overseas as I am not a tertiary education student. I am not in Sydney to live a glamorous, high profile life but I am here to know how well I stand, rectify my weakness, change their views about me, and etc. Above it all I am doing it for my parents and myself. It is time for their rewards. Wait no longer Papa and Mummy. Come and step into my shoes! I want to pamper and lavish them, of course using wisdom. My father is  fussy, strict, discipline, loving, neat, generous, teacher and motivator to me, cannot tolerate untidiness, forgetfulness, and my mother is loving, tender, fun, understanding, caring, a little less funny comparing to my dad, humour, and etc too. Actully I lost words for them but All I know that they did an Excellent job as Parents to nurture me.

I love Papa, I love Mummy and I always will.  =)