updates !

I was reading my sister’s blog on how her life in London is. I had a rough hard time and now I am slowly seeing my sunshine again. In my previous post, I was thinking what season am I in. I dare say now that I am in a season of joy and reaping. After seeing the psychologist, meditating on the Bible, doing things without grumbling or feeling obligated. I feel happy now. I feel that I am new and whole again. It is amazing. The reason why I had a hard time because I broke up in a relationship and breaking was not I wanted. Since it was not what I wanted, I had to live with it. I must say during those days, I was fragile, sensitive and etc. Everything you can think about when a girl breaks up. 

These few days, things change. I know I am falling behind class. But believe me, I will catch up. Assignment that need to be handed in. No matter how much the assignment is, it amazes me that I still have time to do other stuff. I nearly clean my apartment. I clean the living area, 1 bathroom and 1 toilet and the kitchen. Well, defiantly not upstairs. I did find time to go coffee, watching Grey’s Anatomy, reading, doing my devotion, groceries and etc. Although I still love him despite we broke off, I am able to breathe. Now, I find that looking or taking things in detail helps. Alone at home on a Saturday night is alright with me. I just feel that I don’t carry this burden with me. I am starting to eat, more cheerful, prioritizing, feel healthy, mentally stable and emotion too and I take myself less serious. 

In the evening, I totally feel that I am in a different city like NY, London or Melbourne but it is still SYDNEY !

Season

While I was doing my assignment, a though questioned me. What season am I in ? Joy, Sorrow, Reaping or Hoping. I ponder on these words. I can classify my life as in joy for I am still on therapy with a psychologist and battling with anxiety & depression. I answer I am in a season of of Sorrow, Reaping and Hoping. So far the days of sorrow are over after having conversation with my psychologist, heart & face talk to Jake. I guess I am reaping all the good and bad things that I did when I was with him. It’s ironic then we have the treasure that we want, we take it lightly. Now that I lost it, I found myself searching for it like a diamond. The best way to calm myself within these situation is to find comfort in prayer and meditation on the word (bible). So far, I find it better. I take myself less serious. 

Dawn

Adolescence, a life between childhood & maturity,

Trials & tribulation coaches us to live life,

We might not understand many things,

The Complicatedness of life, love, finance,

Is wisdom and discerning that we need,

To guide us to the path that we do not know

 

Life is like seeing your own shadow in the river bank,

If we see mere pass the shadows, we endure life,

If we get fascinated with our shadows,

We are foolish but we realise not

 

We have long years ahead of us,

We have our dreams to pursue, 

Just as how we were 2 strangers,

Now to 2 individuals,

 

I hope we chase our rainbow,

To soar passing the cloudy clouds,

To see a sky that puts a smile our face. 

Perhaps ?

Just as how cancer rot the human body,

Breaking up twinge the heart to be able to receive love once more,

Will this wound heart be able to savor the warmth of love,

How, something  good ends with a scar,

Summer love, Winter ache,

She has been torn. She portray herself as a faded lily

Open field yield crops, if only there was sunshine

A heart desiring love, was not able to sense,

Love is dual communication,

Its 2 heats joining as 1,

Leaves and buds are elements of flower ?

Where were the element in our love ?

 

 

 

 

Oh! UK ?

I am sitting here thinking of going to UK. God ! Why is UK so far when I need to see my sister. I have not seen her for 2.5 years. Why can’t I be in Heroes that I could tele-pod myself there. Why must the flight be expensive. There is so much thing that I want to tell her. My heart and my ache. Our planning for 09. I hope to travel and work in UK. I might not be related to the industry that I am graduating. I want casual fun job before I really Work. Talking to her on MSN or seeing her updates on her blog and facebook. Just how much I want to see her and also working there (working holiday visa). I have to think about my visa whether is sit possible for me to go to UK or Europe on working holiday visa. God knows ! the policy of a government and with the other government. If I can’t, then I might travel and work in South Africa. I just don’t want to screw my life now with a permanent job. Regardless it is office, hairdressing or etc. Want to work something fun. Barista or etc. Once I really start working, no time to travel, then comes relationship (which I think its the worst thing), then marriage and etc.. (I will be lock down to these). I am 23. I don’t want to see myself a maniac working. Maybe I would see myself really working at the age of 25. Working takes my youth away. Lately, I have been reading my sister’s blog on how working had her. I will protect my youth and sanity that working will not rob me. If I can’t go to UK for travelling and job, then I will stay in Australia working as a part time hair colouring technician and a part time barista. I don’t want to let go either one. 

Identify me ? Torn, Demon

Your eyes, they send me to Eternity
Your heart may cast me to Hell
To Hell, I’m bound
But lately, it’s your love 
That’s condemnation enough

Identify
Please identify 
If it’s me you want 
Standing by your side
Identify 
These tears of mine
Am I lonely or am I just alive?

I let time decide who and what 
Will stand this test of love
Your hands were speaking, no?
I felt the movement go
The ice was breaking, so 
I wonder why did I…

Identify 
With you, my life?
To leave me empty 
And see if I’d survive?

For every questioned hour
For every second devoured
You let me wander you 
Into a myth that I live

(* Identify  written by Billy Corgan  - Smashing Pumpkin)

I see myself in this path of the poem. Identify Me ?

Torn

Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn

 Natalie Imbruglia ( I am so torn)

Demon

Have you ever been lost in a different world
Where everything you once knew
Is gone
And you find yourself powerless
With everything that exists
You’re numb

Will I ever break free

I searched my world but I can’t find you
You’re standing there but I can’t touch you
Try to talk but the words are just not there
I can feel a sense of danger
You stare at me like I’m a stranger
Paralyzed and you don’t seem to care
The demons in my dreams

If you become a nobody
Blind, to your family
Who would you be?
And life has gone into reverse
Re-living every hurt
Along the way

* Brian McFadden

Not so Homie !

These days, if I could get an absolute no wake sleep till either my alarm rings or till I feel is really what I need. Recently, I have been having trouble sleeping. At times, I sleep easily but at times, I just can’t sleep. Now, as I am typing this, I am battling with a deep migraine. I went to work today and then knowing that I will be on the bar. Morning on the bar is really mad. It’s like doing 70 + cups in 30 minutes. I managed to be on the bar from 7.30 – 8.30 am. I can’t bear with the cup Que..I was on the register. Slightly better. Then I was back on the bar, Somewhere at that moment, I had a terrible migraine. Drank peppermint tea. Helps a little. All I crave was to go home to sleep (maybe gulping a medicine). It’s irony that when you want to sleep and when you reach home you just can’t sleep. That was happening to me. Came back wanting to sleep but can’t partly due to flat mates who were in the hall. I really really miss my Subang house. I have the house all to myself. When I am out the whole day, feeling lethargic, tired or just want to be alone. I know I am rest assured that I will have it. I miss the couch that always draw me to sleep. I know life is not all about me having it. My nights equals to enjoying the cosiness, warmth of the house, listening to Coldplay, Michael Buble, Lord of the Dance, instrumental,and praise and worship together with reading, on the mac or doing assignment. Now that no one is at home, I have absolute tranquillity, solitude. I dislike sharing my personal space. I am very personal at my space. I miss my mum when its night fall. I miss her most when I am reading, doing my devotion, cooking.  ( I don’t cook that good,) – to which she will teach me how to do. Lying on my mum’s bed and simply talking to her..sense and senseless talking. I miss when my dad who puts me to bed and greet me with a hug and kiss, taking care of me when I fall sick.My parents show me much of their affection to me.I am a person who loves affection.Think whatever you want to, but everyone of us regardless of age will always be our parents Little One’s. I will always be a little girl in my parents eye. 

Recently, I fell down and I send my mum a text message – Mummy’s little girl feel down and injured her knee. My mum replied, Mum’s Barbie doll, what happen . That itself melts my heart.