Sound of Music

I am so down today. Partly, I have not recover from the night out yesterday. I do not know what to do. I went out and I came back. Was on my mac and then I decided to do things. Half way, I felt bored. I ended listening to the soundtrack of “The Sound of Music”. I am not that very alive but it revives me. I like this song – I have confidence. It says all that I am feeling. 

What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what’s the matter with me?

I’ve always longed for adventure
To do the things I’ve never dared
And here I’m facing adventure
Then why am I so scared

A captain with seven children
What’s so fearsome about that?

Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don’t I just know I’ll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack

The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I’m worthy
And while I show them 
I’ll show me

So, let them bring on all their problems
I’ll do better than my best
I have confidence they’ll put me to the test
But I’ll make them see I have confidence in me

And mind me with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They’ll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn’t lie in numbers
Strength doesn’t lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up — Wake Up!

It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone
(Oh help!)

I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!

Her – Story

I need to breathe clean air once again. Let rain fall down down and wash me clean, let the darkness take me that will reveal my identity, my heart (the real me). I need a new outlook in life. I still know what my passion is, what excites and what I love. I feel that I am living in world that keeps repeating (like a carousel), wanting to move ahead but yet falling behind. The memories of my past haunts me. I know it is nothing new to some people. Perhaps, they knew about it. Deep down in the roots of my heart, I know what I want. As each year goes, people progress. Sometimes, the years that I had live in, is back to square one. They expect of me each year but its nothing else than painfulness for them. I need to find my world back. ” The world is your oyster” Where is mine ? I want to get myself out from these tangles. I want to fly to somewhere else. I have been silent about it. I don’t have enough resources to go somewhere new. There is no difference if I stay here or back home. Can the resources from heaven bring me somewhere else. 

I have so many things to prove, but little words to speak to make it an action. Take me away.

Beholding uncertainties

Lately, I have been asking myself numerous questions but I have yet to find the answers. How will I know the answer that I am searching for is The Answer ? I am confuse, idle and lost in this world and in this life. Why can’t life be certain. But if life was certain, it would be boring. It would be like a 9 to 5 kind of thing. I like what Bon Jovi said ” Map our your future, but in pencil “. I enjoy reading Robert Frost poem – The Road Not Taken. Are you equally lost, confuse and trouble as I am ?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down as far as I could

To where it bend in the undergrowth

Then to the other, as just as fair

And having perhaps, the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear 

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning, equally lay

In leaves, no step had trodden black

Oh, I kept the first for another day

Yet knowing how way leads on to way

I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages, hence 

Two roads diverged in a wood and I

I took the one less travelled by

And that has made all the difference

 

 

love or job (career)

I decided to catch up with a friend of mine. We have not been talking for long. We were talking on msn in english and then he started to change the conversation to Malay. He is a Danish Malaysian background but Australian. It amazes me that he is learning to speak  malay. Feel good though. I reach home earlier than him and we were telling how our day was and nothing better then being at home.. Here is a snippet of our conversation . . 

eastlyn: Finally home sweet home. So what are you up to now ?

yatty: i’m lying on my bed wishing I had someone to cuddle up too

eastlyn: at times, I wish that too

yatty: we all do

eastlyn: nothing like a hug from a long day at work

yatty: and nothing like waking up with someone you love

eastlyn: so true that I can’t say any better

yatty: anyways, i think I am married to my work. 

eastlyn: i think i am too. 

yatty: and I am okay with that. It is because it is stable and secure in this world

eastlyn: true, unless you screw it

yatty: work and relationship is different. another thing is that when it comes to relationship, if something is

          not right, i can end it but on work, I will work it through.

eastlyn: I think the hardest part is maintaining it, but on job, one you know what you are doing, it is easy

yatty: Maybe deep down, I know work will always be there and no matter what other things happen to me, I 

          will always have work. 

eastlyn: Yeah, it’s costant. Love, Fluctuates. 

So, love or work. I think it possible for both but its all about  balance. Love and work is like eating and exercise. How can one constantly eat but not exercising but yet always wanting the ideal weight. Thats the same thing with love. Love needs energy, time, balance and anything positive.. and also negative which will turn to positive.

Perhaps Life ?

It sadden me much that my little sister wrote this ” I.Have.No.Idea.What.To.Do.With.My.Life”

If I could tell her one thing, I will tell her that she is not alone.We are thinking on the same things. At times, I am feeling this way to. Somehow there is part of us that we need each other. The question that she wrote, I constantly ask myself. 

On Career

Australia was not the country that I wanted. I wanted to go to UK. But I took it, as it is better than staying back home. I was to continue my studies in hair dressing in the country that I did not want to be in but landed me the job that I wanted upon completing my high school studies. I am now a promotional specialist at Starbucks. I am thinking of building my career with them. But I know my parents will disagree. I feel this is where I belong. Though it is a small store, I find myself there, I find home there. 

Remaining in Australia ?

This week, I have 2 friends who are going back home for good. One of them is going back to Indonesia on the 1st of August. Another one is at the end of this year. I will be finishing mine at the end of this year too. My parents has constantly been encouraging me to apply for my residency but I don’t really have the passion for that. I know it will sadden them. I don’t really know if I want to stay in Australia. The plan was to go traveling with them in Dec, we will go back home for good to celebrate Christmas and Chinese New Year. The only 2 cities in Australia that I can see myself in is Sydney and Melbourne but wanting my job (might get a transfer) but I don’t think my manager will allow as she trained me hard and I proof her. I am in the stage where I should listen to my intuition. In Dec, it will be a huge question mark ? Malaysia, Sydney, Melbourne or UK or joining my family in The States.

These 2 things I have always been considering and contemplating. Career and place of residence. At times, it scares the hell of me. Sometimes life is like a gambling game. Life is to be gambled, people says. When you don’t know what to do, just gamble.

Balance

I took a pause on my drama that I am watching. It is because of this drama that gets me writing this post. 

You,

 We knew each other by exchanging speech. We got together by fighting. How many good memories we had other than fighting. Do you know what is it called in physics ? It is called quick development. There is something we cannot figure but just try. I wish we had never met. I know its mean and cruel. Do you still know me ? I want to know to know you more. I have forgiven you but I have not abandon you nor have I forgotten you. Don’t avoid my eyes. Let’s forget the past. Even God does not ask for people’s past. I think you began to hate me. You don’t like me being crazy about you.  I know what I want to say to you now. We are not in balance now. Everybody will meet someone who will change their life, maybe it was you. You taught me a lot of emotions. I would like to do you things, don’t hurt me is all I ask.I hope we find the balance that we lost. If we have difficulties even if its very difficult, lets sit at this balance together. Shoulder to shoulder , strength to strength. These hands, these heart . . always have and always will.

You are always the mysterious one. Blonde hair, blue – greenish eyes. You were fashionably sensitive but to cool to care. You stood in my doorway with nothing to say beside some comment on the weather. Well, in case you fail to notice, in case you fail to see, this is my heart, this is me. 

Me.

14.07.08 – idle

Sigh, what is my mind thinking. It seems to be one of those days again. The days..I tell to myself. I don’t know what is wrong with me. My house mate left for newcastle for good as she embarks on a new journey in her life. I was at home alone. Usually I am happy to be alone but unfortunately not today. I said to myself ” Eastlyn, you are sick so, it ’s alright for you to feel this day”. I then was on my iMac watching korean drama which got me think about love ? When I watch korean drama, it’s just me and the drama. I totally ignore everything else. When I got home with the dvd, I watched it till 4.30 am and I woke up on time just to go to work. So, I pause the drama and I wrote ” What kind of person am I or are you. While typing, my iTunes was on. It seems that every song on my playlist is not to my listening mood. The next thing I did, was to move my things. Because I know I was going to be mobile, I had my remote control with me. Again, the songs was just not right to my ears. I gave up moving my things. In the end, I ended standing at the nook of my hall just idle thinking what has gotten to me. Standing idle eating banana caramel loaf. I did not finish it. While chewing, a thought hit me. Do I feel home or do I live in a house, I asked myself. Yes, it is a house that shelter me from winter but do I feel home ? Why do I always go the store ? I feel home there. there is something of me carved in that store. There is something special about it. I paused my iTunes for total silence. The silence comforts me. I decided to play Canon in D. It was to my listening tune. Thinking of yesterday when Pookie told minjun that I was the hardest to train but she is now confident of me. Even Alicia and Max confirm it. I confirm it. I went from heaven to hell and heaven back for my job. I proof everyone wrong. I used to be an emotional person. I am glad that my I controlled my emotions well when I was at hell in work to be this heaven. I do not cut out my emotions totally. There are days that my emotions gets me but I take control over them. I do not dwell when I am working. But when I relax and calm, I let these emotion search me. They bring out the truth in me. Myself, my family. my career, relationships and etc. This brings me to search for a verse in the bible what I went through. In all my trouble, my joy knows no bound (2 Cor 7), For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Cor 12). We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned ; struck down, but not destroyed (2 Cor 4: and my favourite ” But he knows they way that I take when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. Thats totally how I am feeling with my job. I can’t believe the time now is 1 pm. It goes so fast. Eating the remaining of Banana Caramel loaf. I am standing in front of the french door overlooking Sydney city. I relate house and love. Everybody has love and can have a house but the question that needs to be answered is, can that love have a passion and can the house be a or the home for a passionate love  or for a family. Went out to QVB to get lunch. Minjun text and we met in starbucks wynyard for shopping as he needed to get a jersey for Sunil. Man, Sunil is now a pilot with Air Asia. I feel good for him. After much walking, we finally found the NBA Jersey that Sunil wanted. Now that Edwin is in Melbourne, Minjun is my only friend I know back home from church and also from the same housing area. It’s good to have him. We visited the Mac Store. I always feel as though I am in New York. I have no idea why. He is comtemplating on which iMac and I on whether it is Mac Book or Mac Book Pro. It was a crappy mid morning noon but a good evening.

What kind of person am I or are you ?

I know what kind of person do I want to be ? It depends on me. I know I cannot compare myself with others. I should compare myself with myself. I know the point of life does not depend on what you experienced but it depends on how you face it. I know, if I want to be that kind of person which I want, it needs a long time but I know it will be soon.

A notion

Yesterday, I sitting in front of my iMac, I looked at my dry hands. There are reason why my hands are these dry, I fidget in my drawer to find for hand cream.I found one. I was looking at the remaining of the cream. I remember the story that you told me that you were contemplating to buy which size but never the less, you bought the big one for me. I still remember those words. As thinking to that, I was hugging ” sheepy”. It’s human to appreciate things and person when it’s lost.

What Eastlyn did next

Well, What Eastlyn did next after the breaking up phrase is to do all the things that she used to do before she was in a relationship. The only thing that she did not do when was single before was going to the bar, drinking and dancing). It has been 3 months since my last relationship came to an end. From a girl’s point of view no girl want to break of when she still has feeling for the guy. But (Obadi, Obada . . life goes on !). See, there are mistakes that I did when I was in my last relationship. Simple mistake, I did not love myself. Physically loving myself, but looking after my interest but rather on the relationship.(I think relationship is about looking after the relationships interest and your own interest). I must say the 3rd week of Jun till today. it’s nothing but joy, laughter and enjoying life. I seize the day well. The days has been going to what I wanted. I started to rekindle all my hobbies and interest that I used to do. I catched up with reading. I spend hours reading megazine. I have been reading Vogue, Harper’s Bazaar, Cosmopolitan and Reader’s Digest. Man, I seriouly enjoy. Much of the article in that inspires me to be a better person. I am going to start to learn korean. Language is something that I like much. It’s time to re-ignite the interest once more. I have been addicted to plain croisant. I enjoy going to the bar. Crowded bar and less crowded bar. I am not abussive to drinking but it’s just something that I crave or rather thirst. I still drink water and tea’s to balance my health. I am not that extreme on alcholol. Sitting at home alone drinking alcholol while reading. Writing down my though as my mind will be organise. Doing magazine quizes. I like the result for it says very much about the person I am. Patching my relationship with my parents. I have not been an obedient child. Browsing books from Kinokuniya, Borders and Angus & Robertson. Spraying and smelling the perfume in me. I can’t believe what I did today. I like my bathroom for it is clean, neat and tidy. I can do most things there but I never imagine that I could read a meagazine and having my dinner there. Watching Russell Peters. Man, he really know how to make people laugh together listening to Hamish & Andy Podcast ! They are hilariously funny. My life now is just good. Each moment is a momentum.