Low Key

Nothing says better than celebrating with family. Honestly, this is my first birthday away from my family. I would not consider my 16th birthday away because I celebrated with my Japanese foster family. I started the day casually with lingering in bed, reading, eating cookies, taking shower and off to work. I wanted to be on shift. If not, I do not know what I will be doing. I came back home, went to return a dvd which I had no time to watch, was on the phone with my friend. I did not know what to do and I ended up watching Australia. One good movie. Worth for the price of $ 16.50. Walked back home eating Fillet O Fish and listening to Josh Groban on my iPod. While walking, sometimes I think its better to be alone and loose yourself. I enjoy dating myself. Sometimes, I surprised myself. With 3 months holidays, I can find plenty of things to do in a beautiful country of Australia. In between on my chores, I did cry because I miss home. I miss all the surprises thrown in by my friends and etc when I was back at home. I enjoyed myself to this day.

BBQ Night

Honestly, I was damn lazy to go for the BBQ night in my friend’s place. It is a BBQ including Starbucks George Street and QVB Store with other ex – partner. A BBQ with a rain. F* right. So it turn to be an indoor. The fact is BBQ, its all about chicken and I don’t eat chicken. So instead of sitting and chatting, I decided to grill the chicken, sausages, beef balls, salmon, fish and meat balls. I felt like eating grilled onions and squid. We had a fun laid back night with vodka, juices, brumby’s, sparking juices and etc. We had a good laugh. It’s not about which store you are from but we are all partner of one company. The Seattle Coffee Company.

QLC

What prompted me to write this is because I am listening to John Mayer – Why Georgia. Don’t ask me the words. Go feed you brain yourself. I would say Why Georgia is so related to most young adults in their 20’s. What caught my attention is ” Cause I wonder sometimes about the outcomes of a still verdict-less life”. I started googling his biography. He was studying at Berkley College of Music and after 2 semester, he decided to cut his studies short and he move to Atlanta, Georgia. He had doubts in his future. 

If the guy himself in his lyrics said ” It might be a quarter life crisis or just stirring in my soul”. So its normal of us to have a quarter life crisis. Even I know myself I have a quarter life crisis but what I don’t understand is that some parents are like putting the blame on us. Sometimes, I wish to think that they too when through a quarter life crisis. But I must remember their lifestyle was pretty laid back in comparing to now. So what is Quarter Life Crisis (QLC). It is a term applied to the period of life immediately following the major changes in adolescence, usually ranging from the early 20’s to the early 30’s. It now also recognized by many therapist or medical professionals in the health mental field. I would like to thing on why it is called as Quarter could possibly be because human now or in future could live to 80 years old and beyond and the 20’s is like A Quarter of their life age. I don’t find myself far from the characteristic of a QTC. The characteristic may include. Feeling ” Not goo enough” because one can’t find a job that is at one’s academic / intellectual level, frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career, confusion of identity, insecurity regarding the near future, insecurity concerning long-term plans, life goals, insecurity regarding present accomplishments,re-evaluation of a close interpersonal relationships, disappointment with one’s job, tendency to hold stronger opinions, boredom with social interactions, loss of closeness to high school and college friends, financially rooted stress, loneliness and a sense that everyone is somehow doing better than you. Somehow I think this emotions and insecurities are hidden in this age. It happens to young adults who are educated who are pursuing ” the real world”. I ask myself if there is such a term the real word. How would you define ” Real World ” with war and recession and etc. Sometimes our imaginary real world is far from what the working class society describe the Real World. An individual realizes the real world is tougher, more competitive and less forgiving than they imagined. We all don’t want to classified as a Kiasu. You Kiasu, I Kiasi ! Somehow a QLC can also be a graying emotion and that brings me no surprises why Damien Rice wrote a song titled Grey Room. Perhaps, you might not know Erik Erikson. I came to know about him 4 months ago when my psychologist gave me some insights about him. He is a Developmental Psychologist known for his theory on social development of human being. I read some of his writings in Kinokuniya. I adore his Theory of Personality. He divides it into 8 stages. 

1) Hope – Basic Trust vs Mistrust  - Infant Stage. Does the child believe its caregivers to be reliable ?

2) Will – Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt. Toddles Stage. The child needs to explore the world

3) Purpose –  Initiative vs Guilt. Can the child plan and do things on his own.

4) Competence – Industry vs Inferiority. Child comparing self worth to others (such as classmates and etc)

5) Fidelity – Identity vs Role confusion. Questioning oneself. Who am I ? How do I fit in ? Where am I going 

    in life. Where is my direction ?

6) Love ( in intimate relationships, work and family) – Intimacy vs Isolation. Who do I want to be with, Will I 

     settle down? 

7) Caring – Generosity vs Stagnation. Measures accomplishments / failure. Am I satisfied or not. 

Wisdom – Ego Integrity vs Despair. Some handle death well, some can be bitter, unhappy with their 

                     lifetime. 

I like Erikson 7 areas to which you ask yourself these questions to work towards a resolution. 

Time persepctive –  Can you distinguish immediate gratification from long term goals. Have you learn to balance between jumping at opportunities as soon as they are presented to you and working steadily and patiently towards your long – term goals

Self-Certainity – Do you feel consistent in your self-image and the image you present to others.

Role Experimentation – Have you tried different roles in search of the one that feels right to you

Anticipation of Achievements – Do you believe that you will be successful in what you choose to do – whether your role is at work front or home. 

Sexual Identity – Do you feel comfortable being a male or female. 

Leadership polarization - Are you able to become a leader and a follower, whichever is called for in a given situation. 

Ideological – Have you found a set of basic social, philosophical or religious values that your outlook on life can be based upon. 

Thus here I am flashing back to what my sister wrote in her blog ” I don’t know what to do with my life”. I always write such things because I some times find myself in a grey room thinking what to do with my life. If you are thinking that we are not normal, I am then starting to think that you are not normal in your 20’s. Or perhaps, you simply deny it. Chicken on you then !

Genre

I love smooth jazz, urban jazz, vocals, vocal classical, film score, indie, alternative,world,celtic, and blues, reggae, folk, soft rock, classic rock, . I never get bored of them. I can listen to them over and over again. I listen to them most days. Easily 4 days in a week when working and I have no complain and I can still listen to it when I am at home. My iPod and my collection of disc on my table is nothing more then jazz and blues. I have a combination of all genre in my iPod. I listen to Chris Botti, Diana Krall, Michael Buble, Stacey Kent, Emi Fujita, Thelonious Monk, Dave Koz, Norah Jones, Louis Armstrong, Miles David, Ray Charles, James Brown, Sting, Buckshot LeFonque, Air, Chaka Demus & Pliers, Damien Rice, Janet Siedel,Kings of Leon, Nujabes and so on. 

Chris Botti said  ” To me, music that breaks your heart is the music that stays with you forever,”

Home for Christmas

Isn’t it funny that its not 25th Nov yet then I know it is 1 month to Christmas. I am already feeling Christmas. I remember doing non coverage to decorate the store. I felt I was in London or New York. Sigh, outside isn’t snowing. But it isn’t that bad because the wind is still blowing cold. Although it is spring to summer the weather is more like autumn mid winter. I like the beginning of spring and thats it. I hate late spring to the beginning autumn. We no longer play jazz, indie or blues but Christmas carols. I find myself singing Christmas carols when I am working. Sometimes customer laughs. This morning as I was on the bar, I was singing “I’ll be home for Christmas”. And I was like ” I’ll be home in Christmas in only in my Dreams. I was yeah ! In my dreams ! My shify overheard me and he was like what ? I said. . Nothing like going back home for Christmas. I can still stand not celebrating Chinese New Year for 2 years and 09 but not Christmas with family. That’s why the carol is called ” I’ll be home for Christmas ” and family equals to home. This year will be 2 years that I am celebrating Christmas without my family.My excuse for last year was because my ex’s mum and brother was here in Sydney and I wanted to celebrate with them because I do not know what will happen next year 08. 

Perhaps the Missing Piece in my heart is celebrating Christmas @ Home.

From us, To you.

On a non coverage night non trading working hours, I was in the store opening boxes filled with colours of green and red. I was decorating the store with Christmas Decoration and Merchandise. It was my assistant store manager and myself. Changing the menu board, Promotion Bunting, Merchandise, Retail Coffee Beans, Hot Cup Sleeves, Hot and Cold Cups, Promotion Syrups (Toffee Nut, Gingerbread and Dark Cherry Mocha) and etc. I felt Christmas because I was opening boxes of stock with So Pretty Merchandise and etc. Even polo t-shirt is Red. Placing Christmas Ornaments, Dove, and etc. While setting up, I had fries in my apron. How funny. A cup of Fries in my green apron pocket. I was like ” Do you want to sample some Fries ? Come into my apron pocket ! While setting up, I felt I was in London or New York. The only thing not close to it was there is no Snow. Never the less, I still felt I was due to the cold wind that was blowing my hair. Feels refreshing. Reach home eating gravy potatoes and on the phone with my grandma in local language.

Congrats

When we were young, the oldest cousin will tie the knot first and followed by the next in age line. I was talking to my cousin online and he nick was ” Engaged” and I was like ” Are you really Engaged” ? and she was like ‘ Yeah’. I replied Does Mama knows ?  She knows , She answered. I replied ” OMG Congrats” I am blown away. So Congrats once more.

Laksa

I would say Laksa is one of the most famous exported Malaysian cuisine to the world.I have eaten most of the Laksa in Sydney City and there is not one that I like. Not one as close as home. I can’t find any Laksa whether back home or here which is close to my grandma’s home made Laksa. Her Laksa is different because the gravy is concentrated and she uses evaporated milk rather than coconut milk. She has other ingredients than the usual which I miss much. I don’t know what is the english word of it but she uses ” Daun Kesung and Bunga Kantan together with prawn, fried red onions, cucumber and etc. I can’t really remember the ingredients at the top of my head but I have it written down. Her gravy is very concentrated to which the ” Rempah” can be seen. I always complain when the Laksa gravy that I am having is diluted and watery. Another food that I miss from my grandma’s hand is Popiah. It’s been a year since I last had it.

The child with blue eyes.

I was serving this customer. I was alone in the store. There comes this lady with a pram and her child. She looks so cute with those blue eyes. I envy people with blue or green eyes as they look mysterious. I said, she would long to have a sibling. The mother replied ” We are hoping for a pair as they have each other to look upon and how to deal with the opposite gender. She asked me. Do you have any siblings. I said. I don’t. I am the oldest and youngest. She said Lucky you. ! I said ” Thanks”. But it was not the Thanks that I really want to say. I hope the child with the blue eyes will have a sibling. I don’t want her to face this world alone. I thought to myself if I could change. She be me and I be her. If I was, then there are millions of things that I would rectify for I dislike the state of my being right now. I doubt it, I can be the child with blue eyes.

Bleak Saturday

It was a Saturday to myself in my room. I did not go anywhere but dinner. Something was troubling me to which automatically troubles my parents. I don’t want too but its too late to say sorry. I sat down thinking what to do, how to do and what is the possible solution. I can’t think of any. I started listening to Damien Rice. I was listening to Rootless Tree, Unplanned Piano and Love hurts. His songs, makes you do a self analysis on yourself. I was in need for a self analysis. I was thinking of the possible solution but I can’t think of any then getting a pain on my head. I draw myself to the bed with repeatedly of Damien Rice. I woke up. Standing and glancing at Sydney View thinking where I will be tomorrow ? Homeless ? Then, I started listening to Motion Picture Soundtrack. I find myself lost in the soundtrack. I keep wanting for more OST. Still at the balcony overlooking view while having my remote control to shuffle songs between Motion Picture Soundtrack and Damien Rice. Jurassic Park was the background music for my room. I felt paradise in my room. I lived in this music. I felt that Sydney was mine. I always find freedom and clarity when listening to Motion Picture Soundtrack. I went out for dinner. Myself with my 2 girlfriends. We were discussing about problems thinking whose is worse. We had a heart felt sharing. We could not think whose is the worse all has it own worse state. Once of them fail in her Finance exam and this is the second time she failed after repeating it. Her parents bought her a house in Sydney for her to stay and she could not tell her father that she failed her finance. She knows what will happen if she tells her dad for she will have to go back home to Indonesia which she does not one because she likes it in Sydney. Another was she has a final exam and she wants to change her course but her parents said No despite she wants to change and she too failed before. My problem is that I need my parents help to pay my 14 days rent and 2 weeks advance. I might be able to pay the 2 weeks advance. They said your problem isn’t that bad. I said I did other things like you but just that I did not fail in my studies while I was here. Perhaps, it came to the stage whereby I did not want to study anymore. I told them about finances. I said, don’t be alarmed if you see me on the streets tomorrow. But never the less, I told my parents. I know my dad would be mad and it was at home, I would be strangled. We both advice her that she should let either her mum or dad know that she fail for the second time. She chooses who she wants to tell. Once of us threw a random question. Despite of all our problem what about yourself that you would like to change or have from other people or within the 3 of us. To my surprise, both of them wanted my legs and I have no idea why. Well, actually I am not surprised because when I was in the flee markets with my friends, 2 sales girl said I have nice legs. They ask me what do I do. I said nothing. I don’t exercise. I just walk if I don’t see a need to take bus. Do you use high heels. I said no, because it hurt my feet. In relation to that I had guys telling I have nice legs and I should use skirt more often. Then it came my turn to answer. I said, I don’t want anything. I just want my parents to pay for the rent and know that when I say I stop doing something like splurging shopping and etc, I mean I stop. And when I say, I will endure my studies, I will endure it. I came back home listening to ” What the world needs now is love”. While listening, I asked myself, They say it’s hard to be a parent but this is what I say, it’s hard to be a human. If being a human is easy then being what you are as a human should be just a nick but unfortunately its not. Sometimes, its hard to even be yourself. As I look at the people on the street, its hard to bag for money. When it’s hard to be human or whatever in society or home we are  with expectation, I don’t see a reason why my generation suicide rate is high.