It was a Saturday to myself in my room. I did not go anywhere but dinner. Something was troubling me to which automatically troubles my parents. I don’t want too but its too late to say sorry. I sat down thinking what to do, how to do and what is the possible solution. I can’t think of any. I started listening to Damien Rice. I was listening to Rootless Tree, Unplanned Piano and Love hurts. His songs, makes you do a self analysis on yourself. I was in need for a self analysis. I was thinking of the possible solution but I can’t think of any then getting a pain on my head. I draw myself to the bed with repeatedly of Damien Rice. I woke up. Standing and glancing at Sydney View thinking where I will be tomorrow ? Homeless ? Then, I started listening to Motion Picture Soundtrack. I find myself lost in the soundtrack. I keep wanting for more OST. Still at the balcony overlooking view while having my remote control to shuffle songs between Motion Picture Soundtrack and Damien Rice. Jurassic Park was the background music for my room. I felt paradise in my room. I lived in this music. I felt that Sydney was mine. I always find freedom and clarity when listening to Motion Picture Soundtrack. I went out for dinner. Myself with my 2 girlfriends. We were discussing about problems thinking whose is worse. We had a heart felt sharing. We could not think whose is the worse all has it own worse state. Once of them fail in her Finance exam and this is the second time she failed after repeating it. Her parents bought her a house in Sydney for her to stay and she could not tell her father that she failed her finance. She knows what will happen if she tells her dad for she will have to go back home to Indonesia which she does not one because she likes it in Sydney. Another was she has a final exam and she wants to change her course but her parents said No despite she wants to change and she too failed before. My problem is that I need my parents help to pay my 14 days rent and 2 weeks advance. I might be able to pay the 2 weeks advance. They said your problem isn’t that bad. I said I did other things like you but just that I did not fail in my studies while I was here. Perhaps, it came to the stage whereby I did not want to study anymore. I told them about finances. I said, don’t be alarmed if you see me on the streets tomorrow. But never the less, I told my parents. I know my dad would be mad and it was at home, I would be strangled. We both advice her that she should let either her mum or dad know that she fail for the second time. She chooses who she wants to tell. Once of us threw a random question. Despite of all our problem what about yourself that you would like to change or have from other people or within the 3 of us. To my surprise, both of them wanted my legs and I have no idea why. Well, actually I am not surprised because when I was in the flee markets with my friends, 2 sales girl said I have nice legs. They ask me what do I do. I said nothing. I don’t exercise. I just walk if I don’t see a need to take bus. Do you use high heels. I said no, because it hurt my feet. In relation to that I had guys telling I have nice legs and I should use skirt more often. Then it came my turn to answer. I said, I don’t want anything. I just want my parents to pay for the rent and know that when I say I stop doing something like splurging shopping and etc, I mean I stop. And when I say, I will endure my studies, I will endure it. I came back home listening to ” What the world needs now is love”. While listening, I asked myself, They say it’s hard to be a parent but this is what I say, it’s hard to be a human. If being a human is easy then being what you are as a human should be just a nick but unfortunately its not. Sometimes, its hard to even be yourself. As I look at the people on the street, its hard to bag for money. When it’s hard to be human or whatever in society or home we are with expectation, I don’t see a reason why my generation suicide rate is high.
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